Pizza Papa

Tonight, for the low low price of $22, I got chicken poppers, cheesy sticks, and a large one topping (pepperoni) pizza from Papa John's.

The chicken poppers tasted good, but they were little bit disappointing because I thought they would be bigger. I didn't expect them to be as large as, say, a boneless wing but I did expect them to be as big as, say, a jalapeño popper. Instead they were about the size of a pair of dice. A 10 piece comes with two complementary sauces, so I chose Buffalo and Ranch. When I saw the size of the poppers, I realized I would only need one container of sauce so I decided to use the Buffalo. I'm not sure if I've ever had Papa John's buffalo sauce before, but it was freaking amazing - it's spicy, it's hot, and it has a lot of flavor!

The pepperoni pizza was excellent; super hot and super crispy on top. The cheese sticks, which I have never had before, were actually a small 10 inch pizza with garlic sauce and a very thick layer of cheese on top. It comes with 2 garlic sauces, which I will save and use for pizza tomorrow.

The best part is that by spending at least $15, I earned a free pizza, so that makes me happy!

Sandwich Forensics

In case you didn't know, Wendy's fast-food chain has a new sandwich, the pretzel burger. I decided to try this burger the other day even though I have been kind of trying to stay away from fast food. Kind of. The flavor of the burger was delicious and the consistency of the band was perfect; it was tough on the outside and fluffy on the inside just like a regular hot pretzel you would get at the mall or at the fair. The meat was delicious and the sauce was great as well. Included on the burger was lettuce, tomato, and red onion slices. The only real problem with the burger was that it was so incredibly greasy.

When you have a sauce that is a delicate emulsion of oil and "other", sometimes it is very difficult to get that sauce to a high enough temperature without breaking, also known as separating. I believe some of the greasiness of the burger was due to the sauce breaking and the oil from the sauce leaking out into the container and settling underneath the bottom bun. I believe the rest of the greasiness was due to regular greasiness of a beef burger combined with the greasy sauce and all put on a bun that does not have the consistency or ability to absorb grease like your typical hamburger bun would.

I'm going to try the pretzel burger again because the flavor was absolutely amazing, however, if it is greasy the next time then I will know it is just a poorly made burger!

Ejecutar en la frontera

(Or: Run from the border)

Location: 

On The Border

4175 Morse Crossing  Columbus, OH 43219

(614) 471-4416 ‎

I have to warn you, in case you didn't already know, that I'm basically a Mexican food snob. That being said, we decided to go to On the Border because we were starving and it was literally right in front of our eyeballs.

What a mistake. The service was mediocre at best. Our waiter had an earpiece in, which he clearly spent more time listening to than to us, and I personally could not understand a word he said due to mumbling and volume of voice. My best friend could make most of it out, but I'm not sure how. The floors were sticky - and I don't mean Texas Roadhouse/peanuts all over the floor/sticky - I mean when I set my feet down and stood in one spot for more than 10 seconds, I had to exert effort to remove my shoe from the floor. The entire restaurant, even the bathroom, was like this. It was so bad that I checked the bottoms of my shoes to see if I had stepped in gum - I had not.

My food was terrible. Our waiter brought two bowls of the same salsa, and one basket of chips. We waited so long between ordering drinks & food that he had to bring us more chips. They were fine, nothing special. The salsa was watery and had no zip - even my 21 month old son would not eat it and he'll eat pretty much anything. He loves spicy food like mama, so it probably tasted bland to him too! I ordered barbacoa enchiladas, which is: "Three enchiladas filled with Shredded Beef and aged cheddar cheese, topped with red chile enchilada sauce and melted cheddar cheese." When my plate arrived, you could tell immediately that it had been sitting under a heat lamp. The random blue chip shoved into my beans was rubbery; The sauce wasn't shiny like fresh sauce, it was matte like old crusty sauce. The cheese was dull and starting to separate, the tortillas were dry and cracking, and the meat filling was just ordinary. When I tasted the red enchilada sauce, I almost spit it out. Instead of being a tangy delicious sauce, it was almost exactly like mole. Thick, sweet, and seriously had the hints of cocoa that mole has. Total (bad) surprise to my mouth. My refried beans were run of the mill, and my Mexican rice tasted like someone's leftover Rice-A-Roni... from last year. I got a side of black beans for my son, which he ate all of, and they were fine. You can't really mess up black beans... as far as I know... I'm sure it's been done.

My best friend got the Queso Chicken, "Tender grilled Chicken Breast topped with creamy chile con queso sauce and fresh sliced avocado. Served with sauteed vegetables and cilantro lime rice." She liked it okay, but it wasn't exactly what she'd expected. The chile con queso sauce was more like Rotel  + Velveeta, and didn't really have a flavor to it. The chicken was grilled, and she said it was not spicy, but very flavorful. Yay! A good thing! Also her rice was nice and fluffy and tasty, and the sauteed vegetables (squash & zucchini) were done perfectly. Apparently I should have ordered off the "fresh" menu! Guess that's the only food that's made fresh!

Overall, this was a very disappointing experience. I guess if I had never eaten at a real Mexican restaurant, I might think places like this are good? I don't know. It was just sad. I will most likely never go back, and that feels fine to me because I'd rather support the mama y papa restaurantes down the street.

Queso Chicken

Barbacoa Enchiladas

Salsa #1

Salsa #2

Where'd the chips go?!

More chips.

GIVE ME THOSE ICE CUBES

Nom nom nom

Kid's cup

Blurry Black Beans

Yum. Food. Almost as good as ice cubes.

READY TO GO!

Seriously, get me out of here!

Damnit Mom, I said LET'S GO!

I'm being angelic because I want to GTFOutta here!

Take home a box (careful of those edges, I sliced my thumb)

Overall Scores: (1-5, 1 being lowest, 5 highest)           

Cleanliness: 1

Value: 2

Accessibility: 5

Friendliness: 2

Menu: 2

Joke!

Location: 

Piada

1315 W Lane Avenue

Columbus, OH 43220

(614) 754-1702‎

In Portugese, the word "Piada" translates into "Joke" and I think that's what is happening here.  Someone is trying to play a big joke on people who like both Chipotle and Italian food. It's a chain restaurant set up in the same way as a Chipotle - wait in line for 37 minutes, go through the ordering process, try to find a seat in the overcrowded dining room, fail, and leave. Don't get me wrong, I love Chipotle, but I rarely go in and order - I almost always do it online so I can walk straight to the front! Sorry losers!

But I digress.

Piada is "Italian Street Food" as interpreted by some fat American guy, I have to assume. Why? Well it's literally pasta wrapped in a burrito. Seriously. They call it a piada, but it's a freakin' burrito. So you go up and ask for a piada, or a pasta bowl, or a chopped salad bowl. They have all kinds of toppings, but none of them are good - roasted slimy peppers, soggy nasty spinach, chewy calamari... *ugh* Then you can choose your sauce, a flavorless goo to slather upon your sub-par ingredients. The list goes on of disgusting things to slop into your spaghetti burrito. So gross. They have sides too, like breadsticks and fried calamari, or soup and salad, and I think some of the locations sell wine and/or beer as well.

I've been to Piada twice in my life, and it was twice too many. Chipotle has the winning combination on this concept, and other people need to stop trying to copy it and just do their own damn thing.

Overall Scores: (1-5, 1 being lowest, 5 highest)           

Cleanliness: 5

Value: 2

Accessibility: 1

Friendliness: 3

Menu: 1

Am I at Chipotle? No, sadly, I am not.

A sideways bag of pasta bowl

Fox is suspicious of this Vegetarian Pasta bowl To Go.

This bowl cost me $8.95

Angel hair, pesto, black olives, roasted red peppers, tomatoes, mozzarella, green peppers

They tell you in what order to choose your food, in case you're fucking retarded.

Extensively gross menu.

Kould Do Better

Location:

KDB

Easton Town Center

Columbus, Ohio

(no phone number available)

My little brother recently got a position as server/bar back at the new KDB at Easton.  He was given passes for family & friends to go and check it out before they opened to the public, so my mother and I took the chance for a free meal & headed out that way.

KDB is located in the old Game Works on the 1^st floor of the inside part of the mall between AMC and the Funny Bone.  When you walk in, the atmosphere is nice, not crazy like Game Works was, and you can tell that a lot of work, or at least a lot of money, went into revamping the area.  Upstairs is the kitchen, where there are booths, and the bar, which is 21 and over.  The bar features cyber bowling, some old-school video games (like Pac-Man), pool tables and a few couches.  Downstairs is where the party really gets started, and that is where we were seated.

Unfortunately, our server, Jeff, was an ex-boyfriend of mine and we had not parted on spectacular terms, so I was hoping that 5 years later he wouldn’t recognize me.  He came over and took our order, explained the concept of the “den”, and got our drinks.  We had received a ticket saying what we would be eating (yes, they chose for us) and the “choices” were nachos with chicken and BYO Pizza.  I mostly despise chicken so I asked if I could substitute nothing or beef instead, and my mom got the BYO (Build Your Own) Pizza with bacon, pepperoni, extra cheese, tomatoes, and light sauce.  Jeff was kind enough to get my nachos with steak, and the food arrived in a fairly timely fashion.  I had expected quicker turnaround but I supposed if the kitchen staff wasn’t used to being on full-service and this was their first time, I could give them a break.  My mom loved her pizza, raved about it, and I thought it was mediocre.  No better than any random pizza at any random non-pizza establishment.  The nachos, however, were freaking HUGE and topped with lots of stuff, which made me happy.  Black beans, jalapenos, sour cream, cheese, cheese, cheese, green onions, tomatoes… yeah, they rocked.  I even had to take some home and three days later when I microwaved them, well, they were chewy (haha) but they were still delicious!

Along with the free meal (more on that later) we each received a 120 token game card.  I played a few games for tickets and got jypped so I headed over to the football game (you know, where you toss the not-fully-inflated football into a too-small hole) and won a bunch of tickets there.  My mother found some kind of spinning dino game & made out like a bandit on tickets.  The games might have been more fun if they were all in working order, but for free what could we expect?  For all the tickets we won, the prizes were shit... Christmas pillows and stuffed animals from the “Grinch” movie, or a dolphin.  I HATE DOLPHINS.  I took one anyway and gave it to the cats to play with.  I also took a “Grinch” dog, the one with the antler tied to his head.  So lame.  My mother, being the hoarder that she is, took one of everything and two of something else.

Overall, I was not impressed.  For being a chain restaurant, this place has no website, no information, and no history to be found anywhere.  When I Googled the name, all that came up were a few profiles on arbitrary review sites, and they all linked back to a Gary Danko of California.  Supposedly he’s the owner… we may never know for sure.  On top of that, our meal would have cost $28.00 (without tip).  The pops were $2.25 each and both of our meals cost about $12.  For the amount we got, $12 was ridiculous.  Yes, the nachos were huge and yes, it was a whole pizza (remember when Pizza Hut had small pizzas?  That’s how big it was, 6 slices), but even so I don’t think it was worth $28 total.  Besides that, if we had had to pay for two 120-token cards, how much would that have set us back?  $40 more dollars?  The prices of cards weren’t listed anywhere, so I had no idea how much they were.  My mom wants to go back when my dad comes to town, while my brother is working, so she can harass him like a good mother.  If she’s paying, hell, I’ll go.  But I would never waste my money on a place with mediocre food just for the “atmosphere” of “fun”.  That being said, if they have a deal where it’s food & game combo, I might go – if it’s $15.99 or less.

Overall Scores: (1-5, 1 being lowest, 5 highest)           

Cleanliness: 5

Value: 2

Accessibility: 5

Friendliness: 5

Menu: full menu: unknown, happy hour menu: 4

High on the Hog

Location:

Hoggy’s (Grandview)

1416 West 5th Avenue

Columbus, OH 43212

(614) 485-4647

Last Sunday I met up with a friend from culinary school, Rich.  He had been raving for a few weeks about Hoggy’s in Grandview, specifically their gigantic mountain of onion rings that I just had to try.  We met around noon on a hot and humid afternoon, so of course the first action was to get some cold beer in our systems.  Blue Moon draught, one of my top favorites, was the choice for both of us.

After sipping the suds and catching up, we finally took a glance at the menu.  One legal-sized back and front menu held a plethora of options, from ribs to wings to brisket and chickens – yes, chickenS, for the Hoggy’s challenge involved a half chicken (and other goodies) and there is also a half chicken meal available.  We opted for a sort of sampler, with Mt. Onion Ring as our starter and Rich getting the brisket dinner and myself getting a ribs/wing combo.

Let me tell you, Rich was not kidding when he described the onion ring starter.  This beast cast a shadow over the bar as it was being carried out, and people turned in awe as it was placed in front of us.  I believe there were some tumbleweeds involved as well as the whistling of an old prairie song… or maybe I just imagined that part… either way, this thing was huge.  The onion rings were piled almost a foot high, and each ring looked like a donut.  A donut!  Made of battered onion!  It was like heaven.

I’ve been on a mission to find a tasty super hot wing here in Columbus, and Hoggy’s presented me with an opportunity to try their “hottest”.  Unfortunately, the “Texas Pete Hot” and Cajun sauces left much to be desired in the fire category; however, they were awesome in the flavor category. My combo came with five wings and babyback ribs (in original Hoggy’s BBQ sauce) and a side of celery & bleu cheese.  For $10.99 I would have liked at least one more wing, but it was filling.  As I said earlier, Rich got the brisket dinner, which was a half pound of sliced brisket and two sides – he chose tomato cucumber salad and coleslaw.  The brisket was absolutely butter!  He literally cut it was a spoon.  The coleslaw was fine, we were both a little “meh” about it because it just seemed to be lacking something, whether it was salt & pepper or some red cabbage, we just couldn’t decide.  I didn’t try the tomato salad, but Rich said it was crisp and refreshing and a good contrast to the heaviness of the brisket.  Oh! There was cornbread too.  I ate mine for dessert.

All in all, even though Hoggy’s is a chain restaurant (which I normally wouldn’t cover, but I’ve got a soft spot for franchises), it has the neighborhood feel to it.  Our barmaid/server (for she performed both duties with ease) was very friendly, prompt, and attentive and the management was helpful as well, running food out to us when the barmaid was busy so that we didn’t have to wait.  The value at Hoggy’s is fair, but in my opinion they could offer a little more food for the cost.

To learn more about Hoggy’s, click here to visit their website.

Overall Scores: (1-5, 1 being lowest, 5 highest)                    

Cleanliness: 5

Value: 4

Accessibility: 4

Friendliness: 5

Menu: 3